Alternatives to Vivisection

I have heard vivisectors and animal rights groups talk about "alternatives" to vivisection since 1985. And I’ve always wondered what exactly is an "alternative" to something that is completely useless? Since vivisectors and a lot of animal groups seem determined to focus on finding "alternatives" I decided to put my brain to work and came up with three great "alternatives" to vivisection that would work equally as well as experimenting on animals:

1) Vivisectors can hang pictures on their laboratory walls of human beings with a bulls- eye painted on whatever body part they tell us they’d like to "cure". Then they can throw darts at the bulls-eye and whichever vivisector hits the most bull-eyes wins! His toxic concoction (drug) will be the one foisted on an unsuspecting public!

"This is the greatest alternative yet! One more right on the bulls-eye and I get to release my latest I.Q. booster drug. Then everybody can be as smart as me!!!"

2) They can gather up some second-hand department store dummies, strap them into stereo-taxic devices and freeze, rip apart, gouge, hit them over the head with hammers and generally mutilate them to their hearts’ content. This may not satisfy the hordes of vivisectors who torture animals for the pure sadistic pleasure of it but if they can get the same amount of money for doing something equally as unscientific as vivisection, why not?!

"Alternatives rock! Smashing dummies is almost as much fun as bashing in puppy skulls and not as messy! And I still can pay off my mansion in Westwood!!"

3) All those lead-laden children’s dolls that China ships over to us that are unfit for children to play with can be used to test every drug the vivisectors whip up. Since the dolls will undoubtedly look just as beautiful after being injected as before, the vivisectors can truthfully say, the drugs did no harm!! Ship them out to doctors and drug stores and watch the money roll in!

All these incredibly absurd, irrational, dim-witted "alternatives" to vivisection would work just as effectively as animal experimentation in finding "cures" so there you have your "alternatives!" Case closed! Vivisection ends!

Unfortunately, vivisectors are not willing to look THAT stupid and would never go for it. Which means the rest of us will have to use our common sense and say wait a minute! When something is asinine, is nonsense and harms humans you just simply ABOLISH it! You don’t NEED to wait until you find an "alternative!"

With the ABOLISHMENT of the scientific fraud of animal experimentation we can focus completely on clinical trials with HUMANS which is how all useful breakthroughs have come about anyway! Imagine if all animal groups "got it", stopped talking about "alternatives" and demanded ABOLISHMENT of vivisection on scientific grounds?

I can dream can’t I?